I'm writing this on Sunday evening, and timing it to upload first thing Monday morning. Why? Because, if you're reading this then you are most probably damned to hell. Upon hearing the news that the Rapture is happening on Monday 21st September, I renounced my atheism, gave up my soul to Jesus and confessed all my sins.
I wish I had enough warning to save my pet fish (who don't have souls anyway), but at least my American brothers and sisters won't have to worry because, as the Telegraph reports, atheists are offering a post-Rapture service guaranteeing the earthly care of Christian pets for $110.
One thing I'll miss on my holy cloud, spending eternity singing hosannahs to God, is a decent bit of entertainment, including the atheists' favourite Christmas movie, Coincidence On 34th Street.